October 1ft 2026 I'm writing a book on death-from-me

 

2017.

Imagine A Beautiful Rag Doll Thrown in The Trash

 

Words were there before thoughts,

before thoughts became “words.”

 

PROLOGUE

(NOTES- This is the first time I am writing a book out of computer material. I am not sure where my childhood books have gone but I’m going to find pleasure in this- the way that I like to see it when I do art… There are no mistakes! Plus, with this technology now a days Microsoft Word tells me otherwise [that was a joke.] Enjoy)

 

INTRODUCTION

I was born on the perfect birthday, 12.12.1990. This is because it works out great for when my language barrier gets mistaken. When the pharmaceutical company for instance asks for my birthdate whether in the USA or in Europe, I can simply say 12.12.1990.

 

I am now twenty-five years old with a Dutch last name living in the place my Dad grew up. I moved here to The Netherlands just the previous year of 2016. I am very determined to have this book finished by the end of the year.

 

 

CHAPTER 1

I feel it only be right for a book to have chapters. Literally however: There is not a true beginning or an end because like how all things turn into dust, butterflies come back to take one last look. It’s not so wrong to start in a spiral. Today has been a bright day in Holland. It is like 29 degrees Celsius? For the usual days of rain (which I love), that is very hot. For me it’s casual Boston weather.

 

I don’t remember the weather being so drastic when I lived in The Netherlands at age 6-7. Then again, there is Global Warming. Global Warming is the only factor intertwining my opinion about how all things don’t end. The Dinosaur skeletons were a blast to look at as a kid in NYC (visiting family) but what if that is us someday (the dinosaurs) to the remains? Humans’ sick and twisted ways have used human black lungs already to demonstrate how we should not inhale rat poison, which is something created by us, to get back to demonstrating. Sometimes it is not about money, most times it is. Sometimes it is where it begins but most times, people are sick and use money as a gimmick. Money is something we all need in the World of today, and I just wish I could understand the days when it wasn’t like this.

 

CHAPTER 2

I’m currently studying fashion merchandising and design on an online program through the US schooling. Would I have been done with school a few years ago if it weren’t for a different decision? … I can’t explain it yet but I discovered destiny.

 

I remember the first time clearly before the many times it happened. I was that teenager in New York at College living the artist dream with her friends and a Mom who called me at least once per day. Was there something wrong with a concerned Mother? I made myself say no, until it became too much. Maybe it was the laughter on my end and the “I can’t talk now” all of a sudden that got her thinking I was partying too much.

 

My Mom kept bringing up her concern on my parents’ separation and how it has affected me. It was never a concern before until I had moved away from Massachusetts. I listened to her advice on seeing a therapist… literally just because why not? The school had a therapist who I was able to see due to attending. (I still did not have the States’ health insurance? [and this was not my concern]) This was a place I’d go to, to rant. I don’t remember her name she hardly said a word. I had so much to say, my creative mind spoke endlessly. One day though I panicked, and the things I said were not all that happy. I was taking a medicine called amphetamines for concentration by the way but in my story that does not matter. The therapists concern made her speak, “you should go to the hospital for a check-up” and not in the slightest did I know this meant tricking me into a lockdown facility. I had a friend visiting from Massachusetts that day, it was her birthday.

 

CHAPTER 3

The door closed behind me and that’s when I met Zeus. Zeus told me to put on a blue gown with demand. I told him I had no idea why I’m there, and that I had to leave immediately. I realized I could not get out the moment the door closed behind me. What kind of a name is Zeus anyways? This is exactly what I told the man as I stared behind the glass wall at what was an old small television surveilling one of the rooms.

 

I told him, “I do not need to be here, I do not know why and in no way am I putting that on seeing that you can see me change.” His laughter in return was the same type of vibe I got from personnel later on… creepy. “No one can see you changing, you have to put it on.” He also explained that the surveillance was for a different room and not the one that I would be changing in. Zeus took all my belongings because it was mandatory, and I could say my heart has never beat this fast from furiousness and confusion but that is not the truth, it has beat to a point of me passing out.

 

The room looked like that on the television. I sat on the bed, the door open, with nothing else in the room but a bed and staring at a man on a stretcher who had not moved for what seemed like, a long time. My heart was pounding and in the hall there were others, also a woman with what must have been at least 20 deep cuts on her arm.

 

Just moments later which was over half a day later, I was apparently brought elsewhere in a wheelchair. The last thing I had remembered was begging for them not to tell my Mom I was in the hospital. Once she got there, I was delusional talking about how there are cameras everywhere. She was in a hospital with a daughter talking nonsense and staff telling her they are doing the best they can. My story was never really let in. Just remember that if you ever don’t understand something, do not be afraid to question what you’re confused about. If something is startling, reason.

 

CHAPTER 4

I am in my own space again after having been pulled out of another place with plastic gloves. It’s hilarious now that legit I believe not one person in the World notices the difference between red paint and blood… Here in The Netherlands, the ambulance was a Mercedes. Are all the ambulance’s Mercedes’? Because I really do not give a fuck!

 

CHAPTER 6

The last Chapter came from my home. This is my home now. I replaced digits with digits today. Electricity and computation makes com-pre-hen-sion. There will be no edits on this other than the edits made in editions. Past stories are read here with she and this and that is novelistic. Anyways… I do feel so good. Do not give me anymore lithium. Her pants were always her pants today and legit it’s as if toking her smoke for the first time proved to me that she never shot heroin. Two papers I found in my room. One paper was the past of February of this month, the other came to me later to say: You will not have cooking. The classes are not classes then; The schedules are not schedules. Only in this institution will they continuously say, “did is voor tonight.” This is Holland speaking from my current location in year two thousand and seventeen.

 

CHAPTER 7

The bum can possibly be the bum lingering around for drugs because she has literally said, “I want to go.” She holds bags with her for days but I smelled her pussy clothes.

 

CHAPTER 8

Today I received flowers in a plastic something, I was jumping for days in minutes in seconds in hours in milliseconds screaming about how those are flowers, laughing about how those are flowers.

 

Chapter 9

I smell like tulips and tulips smells like something I have never tasted. I say, “they are roses actually.” I have never tasted roses. I am waiting not impatiently anymore. The roses are far. Maybe I would smell like stems. My clothing from the drier is the same drier I had when I was a kid. Same as the washing machine. The clothes honestly smelled like not my shower. The clothes, smelled like clothing.

 

Chapter 10

It’s okay to itch I tell myself because when I start believing about the tick that came out of my mouth unexpectedly years ago, I remember that we as people do not create trees we make them better. The lithium is somewhat not wearing off. The bum has some pants called H&M size large. I was smoking a cigarette earlier when I realized, she did not know how to bum her own toke. Tell me, cigarettes are different than checks. She told me Clarissa is not real, and it reminds me of my friends Mother. The moment I lit her up she walked away upset… I am my own Heroin. Her name is Frowein.

 

Chapter 11

Valentine’s day upcoming

This is phase two Babe. You are dead to me. & I do kind of love when you love death. This song, I am writing is to my darling who hugs me in darkness. He is so crazy… That I say like, over, and over, again to-game-in. I love how you love Jesus! Valentine’s day is starting again, and I am in a gain. I hate/love you. We are through! February is coming up. It is currently, February 10th of 2017 and it is slightly snowing outside… There is a Woman who is using cushions as if it is her day-job. 

 

Chapter 12

It is 5:13PM: 13, 14, 15, 16, 17:13. It is about time for dinner: 5:30PM. We ate some greenery & pigs. The doorbell rang a few times but the police or ambulance people did not arrive last night: 11:11PM, make a wish. It is now 14 hours later + 15 minutes. I recently drank some delicious coffee. Thanks to Tommy.

 

Chapter 13

I’m up again. This time doing it the wrong way. I inhaled lorazepam… I’ve been going to the gas station buying Davidoff cigarettes and candy + some form of Powerade: It was orange… It is in the trash which I have replaced the position of. I had my room vacuumed today and I could not stop laughing about a girl Nancy who as a child went irritable when vacuuming… Now, she is a superstar! The night last night went like this: The zero man told me to be more quiet as I later noticed flags being hung. The man name Andre’ has/had his photograph in black and white pasted all over the glasses. I thought he had died. He showed up for work regardless on his 50^th Birthday. Remaining is one of his printed pictures, with a sideways kiss which obviously, does-not-make-sense. I gave him a hug, I thought it was hilarious in that moment.

 

CHAPTER 14

I am feeling weak today. Last evening; I cut my bangs. The morning, I set up coffee and tea and I swear that is what made the day running. I took a bath in the handicapped bathroom which nobody no longer uses. It’s clean and the plug was found by me from a different sink where the stacks of towels lay in a dark room congested with blankets and sheets wrapped inside plastic bags. Denise is no longer in the unit- I taught her that puzzling does not always have to be one certain way. Another girl who lent me her perfume or was intending to give it to me has also left the building. The room where I left the Dolce & Gabbana perfume is now occupied by Frohein who till this day lingers with her material bags stinking up my throat. I believe half my laundry is missing but I do not have the effort to care about it right now. I’ll care about it tomorrow. For now, my bed has been made. I ingested my medicine differently today. Usually it is at 10:00PM, today I ingested my medicine at 9:00PM. Bottom line, I was angry when I was first stretched in, I am feeling more relaxed now.

 

CHAPTER 15

Today I received coffee.

 

For my personal essay on psychiatry- The times you end up in one does not matter (conclusion) 

The space in time is your life – Clarissa van Vreden 

The choice was always yours to begin with

If the police are called on your house and you have psychiatry problems, you’ll automatically get taken away to a mental institution which in Holland is also a jail. Automatically is when you’re diagnosed already and otherwise, there’s more time with the police to talk to and that is what I do not want.

 

PS: If you are that bored, go visit a tree. I am not anything like her…

 

Written partially @

Niko Bolkestein 1 

7416513 Deventer

Gebouw. Griesinger

Nederland